Did I mention that I am going through a growth spurt that leaves me with a 60 ton head and 3 mile long fingers coming out of seal flippers? I mean, it's more awkward than when I was eleven. Growth and change are hard and scary and you just wanna go hide somewhere. That bitterness cartoon is so the bomb. I would say a good 30% of my fantasies involve stuff that will happen to my massive pile of unseen art posthumously. What is up with that? No, really, it would really help if someone explained it to me. I have reason to believe that the scenario---person makes lots of work and shows only 2% of it---is similarly parce-able, but the best I can do to describe my state of development to you is that there is simply a lacuna. A "somebody else's problem" field around the matter. Yes. That's it, Douglas. That's it. I don't take responsibility for my own creative work. That is it. That is it. But I mean, I really don't. So does it really come to earth just to mold there? Or can you do surgery on my lacuna? Bjork promised surgery, she's like, "Don't be angry with yourself. Don't be angry. I will heal you. With a razor" And I was like, yes, yes, I can see that. Heal me. Do your emotional surgery on me. But I am an amputee. I am. In this way I am an amputee. But maybe I only think I am an amputee and really there is a whole Rube Goldberg invention sticking out of my body that I have just never used. Are you still reading this? I am trying to articulate the core of my whining, to name the excuse, to eradicate it. The blindness is usually, what is it, a numbness. A shame? It's usually a shame. Let's pull it up and let it wriggle a bit. Let's posit that it's a little demon, and let's pull it up and see if it will talk,

It's arrogance. I'm trying this on. But it is. It's arrogance. What is arrogance? "...Hubris, or excessive pride, which was usually the defining trait that leads to the tragic hero's tragic downfall according to Aristotle". "vainglory \VAYN-glor-ee; vayn-GLOR-ee\, noun: 1. Excessive pride in one's achievements, abilities, qualities, etc." Yes yes yes. yes yes yes.

Alright, that's enough for tonight.